Dirty, like I should take a bath in barbed wire and scrape my skin away.

On Friday night, or rather early Saturday morning, he came over.  He sat across from me in my dining room and spouted some ridiculous garbage about my headstrong attitude.  I'm not feminine enough, I'm not submissive enough, and I'm not right for him.  Yes, I know.  Yes, I've known for quite some time.  I did break up with you.  I know clearly why.

He stood up and I stood up; he grabbed my arm and shoved me to the floor.  He pressed himself against me, and I couldn't breathe.  He stopped, then he did it again, again, and again.  I would forgive him all of it, if it was out of love.  But it was all out of hate, and I truly hate him back.  He left me there on the floor, looked down and said, "I will see you later."  Walked out the door.  And I cried.

My roommate came home and we booked a ticket to Chicago.  I escaped into the arms of the skyscrapers.  I melted into the streets, and the city was alive.  It whispered to me all night, and I danced, and I loved it.

I came home on Monday night and panicked.   I hate this place.  I hate he lives next door, I hate that I have a final, I hate that I've neglected my life.

So, I've been MIA.  I know.  I have not been restricting.  I have not been exercising.  Probably back up in my weight.  I haven't checked as I'm too scared too.

But I am restricting again from today.  The past three days have been terrible.  I've binged.  I felt sick.  I still feel sick.  I feel sick with the stench of him, the stench of food, the stench of myself.  Fuck.

To be continued...

Wooo Wooooo!

120.6 Today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  1.6 pounds to my first goal weight of 119.  I am so excited!

Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I weigh 121.6 today, after three days of heavy (for me) restricting.  I can't believe I'm 2.6 pounds away from first goal weight.  I can't wait to weigh 119 again.  That used to be my staple weight.  Then it will be four pounds to be second goal weight of 115.  Oh, happy day.  I hope the scale is my friend tomorrow as well.

As a side note, will be in class all bloody day.  Haven't slept a bit last night.  I don't know how I will make it today.  I really don't.

123 again today, and I just don't understand why... I was good yesterday....

I hate the fat on my stomach and arms and my legs.

The ex called yesterday, and it was painful to hear from him.  He made it seem like he was so unaffected; he also made it seem like I made a huge mistake, and I should beg him for a new start.  He doesn't know me at all . . . that's not my style.  I would rather wallow in a black pit of sorrow than break my conviction.  He was wrong, he was uninterested, he was too busy, he likes games, and I'm the one who wanted a relationship, and I'm the one who promised to work on it, and I'm the one that gave him more than one chance.  He's the one that broke my trust.

I had three bites of pita with spinach today (150 calories).  That's all I will have.  I am in class from 1:00-9:00PM, and there's no chance that I will have time for food really.  I may get a coffee with cream but no sugar during my break.  We'll see.

I wish I could control my weight; I want this ugly fat off of my body.  It's clinging to all my bones, seeping through all of my pores, clogging them with it's stench, and I'm suffocating under it.  Makes me want to take a bath in barbed wire and scrape it all away.  I hate this feeling, I hate my mirror, and I hate my body.

More Food....but no more than this tonight....

Okay, so I just ate, four baked fried and a bowl of tuna with crackers.  Most likely around 300 calories or less.  Given my 260 calorie start for the day that brings my total calorie intake to 560, and I won't eat anything else tonight.  My jumping jacks and ski jumps are done.  I hope I can lose one pound by tomorrow.

Exercise - Don't laugh....

I'm so out of shape and blubbery that I'm too embarrassed to go to the gym like this.  So, I'm trying to lose about ten pounds at home before I venture out to the gym for some real cardio.  Don't laugh.

I did 100 jumping jacks and 100 ski jumps today.  So, maybe I burned around 100 calories (I hope).

I am planning on doing a total of 1000 jumping jacks and 1000 ski jumps today.  I hope to burn around 400 calories at least.  So then my 600 calories for the day will really be 200.  I hope I can do this.  If any one has any suggestions for exercises I should do at home (I have no gym or weight tools here), I would really appreciate it.  Thank you.  If I can be 121 ibs tomorrow, oh how nice that will be.

Downward Spiral into the Abyss

So, it's been a horrible semester. I am behind in all of my work. I was dating a guy I thought I may marry, but I felt like he didn't even like me most of the time. It was wearing on my self-esteem and so I broke up with him October 8th, because I don't want to be with someone that doesn't even like who I am. 

Meanwhile, for the past two months I've been consumed by this boy, what he's thinking, why he's not being nice etc, and I've totally screwed myself on my work for school. So, now, I have so much catching up to do.

I feel fat, and if I can only control my weight, I know I can control my life again.