Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I weigh 121.6 today, after three days of heavy (for me) restricting. I can't believe I'm 2.6 pounds away from first goal weight. I can't wait to weigh 119 again. That used to be my staple weight. Then it will be four pounds to be second goal weight of 115. Oh, happy day. I hope the scale is my friend tomorrow as well.
As a side note, will be in class all bloody day. Haven't slept a bit last night. I don't know how I will make it today. I really don't.
As a side note, will be in class all bloody day. Haven't slept a bit last night. I don't know how I will make it today. I really don't.
Monday, October 25, 2010
123 again today, and I just don't understand why... I was good yesterday....
I hate the fat on my stomach and arms and my legs.
The ex called yesterday, and it was painful to hear from him. He made it seem like he was so unaffected; he also made it seem like I made a huge mistake, and I should beg him for a new start. He doesn't know me at all . . . that's not my style. I would rather wallow in a black pit of sorrow than break my conviction. He was wrong, he was uninterested, he was too busy, he likes games, and I'm the one who wanted a relationship, and I'm the one who promised to work on it, and I'm the one that gave him more than one chance. He's the one that broke my trust.
I had three bites of pita with spinach today (150 calories). That's all I will have. I am in class from 1:00-9:00PM, and there's no chance that I will have time for food really. I may get a coffee with cream but no sugar during my break. We'll see.
I wish I could control my weight; I want this ugly fat off of my body. It's clinging to all my bones, seeping through all of my pores, clogging them with it's stench, and I'm suffocating under it. Makes me want to take a bath in barbed wire and scrape it all away. I hate this feeling, I hate my mirror, and I hate my body.
The ex called yesterday, and it was painful to hear from him. He made it seem like he was so unaffected; he also made it seem like I made a huge mistake, and I should beg him for a new start. He doesn't know me at all . . . that's not my style. I would rather wallow in a black pit of sorrow than break my conviction. He was wrong, he was uninterested, he was too busy, he likes games, and I'm the one who wanted a relationship, and I'm the one who promised to work on it, and I'm the one that gave him more than one chance. He's the one that broke my trust.
I had three bites of pita with spinach today (150 calories). That's all I will have. I am in class from 1:00-9:00PM, and there's no chance that I will have time for food really. I may get a coffee with cream but no sugar during my break. We'll see.
I wish I could control my weight; I want this ugly fat off of my body. It's clinging to all my bones, seeping through all of my pores, clogging them with it's stench, and I'm suffocating under it. Makes me want to take a bath in barbed wire and scrape it all away. I hate this feeling, I hate my mirror, and I hate my body.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
More Food....but no more than this tonight....
Okay, so I just ate, four baked fried and a bowl of tuna with crackers. Most likely around 300 calories or less. Given my 260 calorie start for the day that brings my total calorie intake to 560, and I won't eat anything else tonight. My jumping jacks and ski jumps are done. I hope I can lose one pound by tomorrow.
Exercise - Don't laugh....
I'm so out of shape and blubbery that I'm too embarrassed to go to the gym like this. So, I'm trying to lose about ten pounds at home before I venture out to the gym for some real cardio. Don't laugh.
I did 100 jumping jacks and 100 ski jumps today. So, maybe I burned around 100 calories (I hope).
I am planning on doing a total of 1000 jumping jacks and 1000 ski jumps today. I hope to burn around 400 calories at least. So then my 600 calories for the day will really be 200. I hope I can do this. If any one has any suggestions for exercises I should do at home (I have no gym or weight tools here), I would really appreciate it. Thank you. If I can be 121 ibs tomorrow, oh how nice that will be.
I did 100 jumping jacks and 100 ski jumps today. So, maybe I burned around 100 calories (I hope).
I am planning on doing a total of 1000 jumping jacks and 1000 ski jumps today. I hope to burn around 400 calories at least. So then my 600 calories for the day will really be 200. I hope I can do this. If any one has any suggestions for exercises I should do at home (I have no gym or weight tools here), I would really appreciate it. Thank you. If I can be 121 ibs tomorrow, oh how nice that will be.
Downward Spiral into the Abyss
So, it's been a horrible semester. I am behind in all of my work. I was dating a guy I thought I may marry, but I felt like he didn't even like me most of the time. It was wearing on my self-esteem and so I broke up with him October 8th, because I don't want to be with someone that doesn't even like who I am.
Meanwhile, for the past two months I've been consumed by this boy, what he's thinking, why he's not being nice etc, and I've totally screwed myself on my work for school. So, now, I have so much catching up to do.
I feel fat, and if I can only control my weight, I know I can control my life again.
Meanwhile, for the past two months I've been consumed by this boy, what he's thinking, why he's not being nice etc, and I've totally screwed myself on my work for school. So, now, I have so much catching up to do.
I feel fat, and if I can only control my weight, I know I can control my life again.
Food
I had tea with two teaspoons of sugar; probably around 160 calories. 2 table spoons of hummus also around 100 calories already for a total of 260 calories. My calorie goal for today is 600. I would like to restrict calories down to 100 for this coming week, and then eat on Saturday night. I would like to be 119 by Monday, tentative goal. However, it does not necessarily mean that I will be disappointed if I'm not 119 by next Monday. I will be ecstatic if I can reach it, though. If I can take some good pictures, I will. My favorite thinspiration pictures are before and after shots. It's one of the main reasons I follow Thinspiration Pictures on this site. I love the before and afters on this blog. Goodluck. If any one has any advice for me, I would love to hear it.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
October 24th, 2010....
SWforBlog: 123 pounds
SW: 134 pounds
CW: 122.8
GW: 101 pounds
HW: 145 pounds
Height 5'2
Two years ago this time, I weighed 112 pounds. However, I remember myself to be fat. Because I'm so short, every pound looks like five on my body. I have a small frame, but you would never know it considering my weight. Fat fat fat fat.
My 1st GW: 119 pounds
2nd GW: 115
3rd GW: 112
4th GW: 110
5th GW: 105
Final Goal Weight: 101 pounds.
I will keep a food and exercise diary here so that I may monitor my progress and get to know my habits and weaknesses better.
SW: 134 pounds
CW: 122.8
GW: 101 pounds
HW: 145 pounds
Height 5'2
Two years ago this time, I weighed 112 pounds. However, I remember myself to be fat. Because I'm so short, every pound looks like five on my body. I have a small frame, but you would never know it considering my weight. Fat fat fat fat.
My 1st GW: 119 pounds
2nd GW: 115
3rd GW: 112
4th GW: 110
5th GW: 105
Final Goal Weight: 101 pounds.
I will keep a food and exercise diary here so that I may monitor my progress and get to know my habits and weaknesses better.
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